Why use a Soul Midwife or Death Doula? (SM/DD)
(*spoiler alert if you’ve not watched the Notebook!)
This is a really good question and made me think a lot about how folk might view us. It’s really easy to get swept up in my own reasons and experiences for how and why I found this path but from the outside it might look a whole lot different and something, even, to be wary or sceptical about.
Let me start by acknowledging – it’s not for everyone: as a career or as an end of life choice. That’s what’s coming across from conversations I’m having. And that’s okay in the same way not everyone would want to be a dentist or choose to have a tattoo.
As long as the choice to NOT hire an SM or DD is not coming from an uninformed place.
For example, the role is not about imposing beliefs or values onto people. It is not New Age - unless you want it to be. This is not new stuff; much of it is old and harks back to a time when birth and death were part of the home life and not so tucked away in highly medicalised settings. You may need to ‘shop around’ to find one that fits with you in the same way you would with a therapist. No two Soul Midwives are the same which is excellent because it means there is somebody out there for everyone!
When people do consider their own death it’s most often at home, in bed, asleep and when they’re of a ripe old age deemed acceptably old enough to die. They were fit as a fiddle and living life to the full. Maybe they were even a sky-diving granny up to the last! They will be surrounded by their loved ones, get to say all their final words of love to each other, one last big exhale and clogs then get popped. If they’re really lucky, they’ll pull a ‘Notebook’ style double death in the arms of their soul mate…
I really, really hope people get that. Some do. Many don’t. Just as some win the lottery and many don’t. But we only see the winners, it keeps people buying tickets. We don’t get a choice about buying a ticket with death. It’s going to happen and it may not be how we would like. We can’t control that, which causes a lot of fear, but we can take some control over the details and decisions surrounding it and that can feel even just a little bit reassuring; some even find it quite fun to plan and prepare some of the more creative aspects of dying: memory boxes to leave behind, visualisations, self-indulgent funeral plans…why not?! I probably won’t get to be laid out in a glass coffin, tended to by 7 dwarves but it sure does take the fear out of things by laughing at the possibility!
An SM or DD works with a dying friend to facilitate the death that they want - as best they can (which after my Snow White reference might be misleading!?!) So, how is this best done?
By preparing for death when we’re NOT dying.
If we all lived life knowing that we’ve done the best we can to tie up loose ends; to know that we’ve not left difficult decisions for our loved ones who would be trying to honour our wishes blindly otherwise; to make it clear where we would prefer to die if possible and what medical intervention we do and don’t want; to say the messages of love we’ve been leaving for our deathbeds…THEN we can get on with living - truly out from under the shadow of Death.
Preparing for death doesn’t have to be morbid, or something that is fixed and can’t be adjusted to suit new needs, or considered as obsessively practical…it doesn’t mean you’re tempting Fate either. It means you can be free to get on with living, with the peace of mind that you’ve had some say over how things will be at the end.
I’m saying this as someone in the process of trying to arrange my own funeral and death plan wishes because I’ve witnessed what it can be like when those things aren’t in place. Also to practise what I preach and face my own fears and to learn what the practical options are so I can help others better.
My hope is to plan my funeral and include SM services as part of that so money doesn’t have to be an issue for me or the Soul Midwife. If I die suddenly or without using all of the SM services? Then that money can go to grief counselling or a charity of my choosing. These options should be available so we don’t have to consider them at a time when we really shouldn’t have to worry about life admin.
So, how does an SM or DD fit into all this?
Well, funerals can be discussed with a funeral director and medical care can be covered by medical professionals but there is a gap between healthcare and after death care and that is where SM/DDs come in. Not every family feels comfortable talking about death plans. And, more sadly, not every dying friend has a family with whom to plan.
If a patient has been living with a condition or fighting a disease, it may be viewed by their loved ones as ‘giving up’ to start talking about death. The patient may find themselves in their role as mother / daughter / father / son protecting their loved ones from the reality that they know deep in themselves – and that’s exhausting! There’s a lot of ‘fighting’ and ‘battling’ language surrounding death and disease and an attitude that death is giving up or a medical failure when it’s not. We’ve all go that lottery ticket, we just don’t know when and how our number will be called.
~ An SM/DD is somebody comfortable with talking about death; is objective and not needing the person dying to play any other role than just being themselves – a person facing their own mortality and everything that goes with that.
~ An SM/DD is someone who can draw from their training and own life experiences in whatever way is needed by the dying friend.
~ An SM/DD may have other therapeutic skills they can use if requested to help soothe mental/emotional/physical/spiritual symptoms.
~ An SM/DD is there to listen without judgement or demand.
~ An SM/DD is there to serve the dying friend at a time when the person dying may feel a lot of the control has been taken away from them about decisions, about what’s best for them, about their role in other people’s lives when those other people are viewing them now in the role of ‘patient’.
~ An SM/DD will sit with whatever is coming up and hold a space for their dying friend to feel comfortable even with their ‘uglier’ emotions that they feel they have to hide from their loved ones: anger, resentment, fear, jealousy… these need venting to release them and let go but that’s not always possible when we’re protecting those dearest to us.
~ An SM/DD can be an advocate for the dying friend.
~ An SM/DD can be a one off appointment or a consistent, friendly face in a sea of busy medical professionals. We may be called upon when someone is healthy and wanting to discuss their mortality for whatever reason prompted that need; we might help someone come to terms with a terminal diagnosis quite early on and then not be called upon again or we might be called upon throughout the dying process and support relatives with vigils at the end stages and beyond. Some SM/DDs might help with preparing the body and soul work after death but again this will depend on what is being requested. Some SM/DDs may continue to support the now grieving family too.
The dynamic between carer and patient is a tricky dance which gets learnt on the job and is fueled by so many emotions. An SM/DD can support both roles and help to create and hold a space where both carers and those dying are freed up to focus on the time they have together and living it as best they can right up to the last.
Ideally, we would all have the death that we best imagine, surrounded by the people we would want to see last and supported by communities comfortable with stepping in and stepping back where needed. SM/DDs are aiming to be part of those communities to teach, guide and support so that we can achieve the following:
“‘A good death is an extraordinary, moving and sacred experience. It can also have a healing quality, not only for the person who is involved but their families, friends and the wider community.’ (Felicity Warner, Gentle Dying)”
*I’ve been speaking as a Soul Midwife but have included Death Doulas here as I feel the terms and labels are something we all have different comfort levels with and knowledge of so while I’m not representing DDs as one I don’t want to exclude them here either – ultimately, I’m talking about end of life companions whatever the preferred label.
